Jokes
Have you any great jokes you would like to add to this list? (Come on Guys! The women are beating you hands down.)Send them to info@forcespenpals.co.uk.
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and smelling of perfume, then slaps his wife on the backside and says: "You're next, fatty."
Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is lying in bed reading.
Man says: "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache."
Wife replies: "I think you'll find that is a sheep."
Man replies: "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.
He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, "I'm moving to London. I heard prostitutes there get paid £400 for doing what I do for you for free."
Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming too I want to see how you live on £800 a year".
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee and a 250g pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cos you're ugly."
CIVVY FRIENDS: Get upset if you're too busy to talk to them for a week
MILITARY FRIENDS: Are glad to see you after years, and will happily carry on the same conversation you were having last time you met...
CIVVY FRIENDS: Never ask for food
MILITARY FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.
CIVVY FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Call your parents mum and dad.
CIVVY FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you saying, Bollocks...we fu*ked
Up...but that was fun!"
CIVVY FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Cry with you.
CIVVY FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours.
CIVVY FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from You.
CIVVY FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds ass that left you.
CIVVY FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"
CIVVY FRIENDS: Are for a while.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Are for life.
CIVVY FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say, “Mate, you better drink the rest of that, you know we don't waste.That's alcohol Abuse!!"
CIVVY FRIENDS: Will talk sh!t to the person who talks sh!t about you.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will knock them out!!
CIVVY FRIENDS: Will ignore this.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will tell others about this
Old Mrs Jackson goes down to her doctor's surgery to try and get a Viagra prescription for her ageing husband.
Doctor agrees to writing him a subscription but first he is duty bound to explain about Viagra.
"Well Mrs Jackson, it comes in three strengths... 25% is ok, 50% is pretty good and the 100% strength... well you won't be getting a wink of sleep I promise!"
Mrs Jackson thinks quietly to herself for a while "I'll take the 25% please Doctor. It's only to stop him pissing on his slippers!!"
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient!
I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
A loving hubby gets "I love u" tatooed on his willy & goes home to show his wife. She says "You bastard there you go again trying 2 put words into my mouth!"
Boy catches mum and dad riding. Mum says "I was sitting on his tummy 2 flatten it". Boy says, "don't bother, aunty anne always goes down and blows it back up".
Ethel loved to speed in her wheelchair and charge around the nursing home,taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her and some of the males actually joined in.
One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?
Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a kit kat wrapper."OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am."
As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his hand. "Oh, good grief," said Ethel, "Not the Breathalyzer again!"
A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger. He said try rubbing toilet paper between you tits, it's worked for your arse.
My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients, it's a real shame cause he's really good vet.
Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading 'For sale clitoris licking frog' She goes in and the shopkeeper say's 'Bonjour madame'.
Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much,it scared the s**t out of me. So today I decided I'm never reading again.
On the farm lived a chicken and a donkey, both of whom loved to play
together. One day, the two were playing when the donkey fell into a Bog
and began to sink. Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee hawed' for the chicken to go get
the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, For he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around,
the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-4 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still
had time to save his friend's life.
Back at the bog, the donkey was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken
arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of
rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the
chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car,
rescued the donkey!
Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and
the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best
pals A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he
too, began to sink and cried out to the donkey to save his life!
The donkey thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large
puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would
then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the
donkey pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story?
When you're hung like a donkey, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks
WOMANS DIARY ENTRY:
Friday 18th November 2005
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so thought it might be that.
The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.
All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.
After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up but later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant and a bit cold, and started to think that he was
going to leave me and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.
MAN'S DIARY ENTRY:
Friday 18th November 2005
Keane Leaves United. Gutted. Got laid though.
The husband and wife go to a counsellor after 15 years of marriage.
The counsellor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counsellor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately.
The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze.
The counsellor turns to the husband and says... "THAT is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday, but Friday I'm fishing."
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"So where’s President Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.
A Christmas Story........................When four of Santa's elves got
sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the
regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind
schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit. This
stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and had gone, heaven
knows where. More stress.
Then, when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards cracked and
the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a
shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden
the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he
accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little
pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of
the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big
Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me
to stick it?"
And, so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.
Merry Christmas!
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station
They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it "greetings earthling, we come in peace: take us to your leader"
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond
So the alien repeated the greeting, and again there was no response
The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently "greetings earthling, we come in peace: how dare you ignore us in this way: take us to your leader, or I will fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade "no, you mustn't anger him", but, before he finished his warning, the first alien fired
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200m into the desert, where they landed in a heap
When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said "what a ferocious creature, it nearly killed us: how did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered "if there's one thing i've learnt during my travels through the galaxy, it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself and then stick in his own ear, you don't mess with him!"
There were three men who were lost in the forest. shortly after they were then captured by cannibals
The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial
The first step of the trial was to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit
Sooo... the three men went their separate ways to gather fruits
The first one came back and said to the cannibal king "i brought ten apples"
The cannibal then explained the remainder of the trial to him.
He then had to shove the fruits up his ass without any expression on the face, or be eaten
The first man put the first apple in, but on the second one he winced out in pain, so the savages fell upon him and devoured him
The second man arrived back in camp and showed the cannibal king his ten fruits which were berries
When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy
1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the ninth berry he suddenly burst out in laughter, and of course was eaten alive by the savages
The first and the second man met in heaven, where the first one asked the second "why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"
The second man replied "i couldn't help it, there i was almost free, when i looked up and saw that the third man coming with an armload of watermelons!"
Two cows are standing in a field, talking to each other
One cow says "hey, aren't you worried about getting that mad cow disease everyone is talking about?"
The other cow says "why should I? I'm a chicken!"
A Polish man moved to the USA And married an American girl. Although His English was far from perfect, they got alongvery well until oneday he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."
The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would dependOn The circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."
LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It made of concrete."
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."
LAWYER: "I mean, What are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."
LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "No, I always up before her."
LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me."
LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof.
LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'
Piloting your plane
An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.
The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."
Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.
The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.
Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"
"We just shut down two engines."
A young naval student
A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.
"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"
"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.
"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.
"Throw out another anchor, sir."
"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"
"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."
Army fitness report
British Military Officer Fitness Reports
The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not breed from this Officer.
- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction. - He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.
- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
Landing at a hidden military base
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"
Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.
The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.
By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.
The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months. The only other thing on the island was a tall coconut tree, which provided their food.
And each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree to see if he could see a rescue boat coming. One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow. I can't believe my eyes. There is a girl out there floating in our direction." The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "I think you're hallucinating and you should come down right now."
So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just actually seen a naked blonde woman floating face up... headed toward their island. The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But within a few minutes, up to their beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, and totally unconscious.
The two lawyers went over to her and discovered, yes she was alive. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this island for months now without a woman. It's been a long time. Do you think we should, you know , screw her?"
The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked, "Out of what?"
These are from Hannahmarie, lol
A young couple get married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?".
Mama, "she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful!!! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language... things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... Please mama!".
Sarah, Sarah, "her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
Please don't make me tell you, mama," weep the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come to get me please!"
Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama... words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK...!"
A Three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath
"Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"
Mama answered, "Not yet."
These are from Ivorharden:
An extremely old man visits his doctor and tells him, "I need my sex drive lowered." The doctor surprisingly replies, "you need it lowered"? To which the old man replies, "It's all in my head I need it LOWERED.
Did you hear about the two gay men who argued in the bar?
They went outside to exchange blows.
Did you hear the one about the blind circumciser?
He got the sack.
How can you tell a hardcore lesbian bar?
Even the pool table has no balls.
Why do women wear black underwear?
Mourning for the stiff they burried the night before.
What's the difference between pink and purple?
Grip.
What do fat women and mopeds have in common?
They're both great fun to ride until your mate catches you on one.
What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
About 2 quid a minute.
What do women and police cars have in common?
They both make alot of noise to let you know they're coming.
Why do prostitutes make more money than drug dealers?
Because they can wash and re-sell there crack.
As theres alot of taking the p**s out of the blokes, I thought I'd put these ones in!!
Why do women pierce their belly buttons?
Gives them somewhere to hang an air freshener.
Why do women have 2% more brainpower than cows?
So that when you pull their t**ts they wont s**t on the floor.
What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and lubricate.
What do women and lino floors have in common?
If you lay them right the first time you can walk all over them for years to come.
At the end of a tiny deserted bar in Liverpool is a huge scouser bloke 6-feet, 5-inches tall and 350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well dressed and obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers, the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Liverpudlian. Leaning over he whispers, "Do you want a b**w job?" At this, the massive Merseysider leaps up with fire in his eyes and smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him, badly bruised, in the parking lot and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brings over another beer. "I've never seen you react like that," he says. "Just what did he say to you?"
"I'm not sure" the big scouser replies. "Something about a job."
He Said/She Said
He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've
got nothing to put in it.
She said .. . . You wear pants don't you?
He said ... . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the
ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the
grocery money I gave you?
She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
On a wall in a ladies room . .. . "My husband follows
me everywhere" Written just below it . .. . " I do not"
Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the
world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.
Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the
future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.
Q. What is the difference between men and government
bonds?
A. The bonds mature.
Q.. Why are blonde jokes so short?
A. So men can remember them.
Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of
toilet paper?
A. We don't know; it has never happened.
Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,
caring and good-looking?
A. They already have boyfriends.
Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her
husband is every night?
A. A widow.
Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge
and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in
bed and go to the fridge.
Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars
have in common?
A. They're married.
Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so
beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her."
But God," the man says, "why did you make her so
dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."
Silent treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he
would need his wife to wake him at 5:00AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a
piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
Sandie has sent this:
An englishman, an irishman and an american stood on top of the empire state building after each drinking 15 pints. The american said " after 15 pints you can jump off here, fly around, come back then land safely".
"Prove it" said the irishman.So the american jumped off the building, flew around, then came back safely.
"wow!" said Paddy, " I want a turn", so he jumped off the building and plunged to his death.
Back at the top the englishman turned to the american and said " Bu*ger me superman.... you're a right ba***rd when you're pi**ed!"
Summer has sent me these:
Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding,
he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't
expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table
unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,
fishing,boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give
me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there
will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or
not."
( SHE'S GOOD!)
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"
(HE ASKED FOR IT!)
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either,"
and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and
rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband
says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud
of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home
and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the
top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
(RIGHT ON, LADY!)
Lainey has sent these:
3 things never to say in a gay bar:
1.f**k me it's hot in here
2 bugger me this beer's good
3.do you mind if i push in your stool a bit?
What gets longer when it's pulled, fits between a womans t**s, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked hard?
A seat belt!
Income tax officer asks prostitute what she put down her occupation as a "poultry farmer"?
Because i raised 500 cocks last year.
Loverlove has sent these:
prostitute gets knocked down by a car + loses her eyesight, the doctor asks her "how many fingers do i have up" she replies "f**kin hell i'm paralysed aswell"
the post office have issued a new stamp with a fa**y on it for womens
awareness week, it has caused alot of confusion as most men are unsure how to lick it..... lmao
an essex girl takes a dress to the cleaners and say's i'll pick it up
tomorrow, the cleaner doesn't here her and says "come again" she says "
naaaaaaaaah its mayonaise this time" ........ lol
paddy shows an essex girl the R + L labels on his wellies, explaining that
they mean right and left, she replies "oh now i understand the C+A label in me thong"............. think about it!!
a penis says to his balls "rightlads get ready i am taking you to a party,
the balls reply " you f**cking liar you always go inside and leave us out here knocking" .....
scientists in japan have invented a camerawith a shutter speed so fast it
can take a picture of a womwn with her mouth shut ...............lol
Bettyboop has sent this:
A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, she pulls a rectal
thermometer out of her pocket and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says,
"Well, that's great... just great... some as*h*le's got my pen!"
Soldeirboy has sent these:
MAN COMES OUT OF JAIL, HAVING SERVED 20 YRS, FIRST PLACE HE GOES TO IS THE NEAREST BROTHEL. ON ENTERING HE GOES UP TO THE BLONDE BEHIND THE DESK AND ASKS HER IF SHE COULD RECOMMEND ANY OF THE GIRLS TO HIM, HE EXPLAINS THAT HE HAS BEEN IN PRISON FOR SO LONG AND WANTING A WOMEN.
BLONDE REPLIES WE HAVE A VERY NICE GIRL CALLED SANDPAPER LOO. BLOKE THINKS FOR A MOMENT, HAVENT HAD A WOMEN FOR 20 YRS SO HE SAYS I'LL TAKE HER, SO OF HE GOES TO THE ROOM OPENS THE DOOR AND ON THE BED IS THIS BLONDE BLUE EYED BABE LAYING ON THE BED JUST WAITING FOR HIM....WELL HE STRIPS OFF AND STARTS BANGING AWAY WHEN AFTER A COUPLE OF MINS HE JUMPS OF HER AND IS HOLDING IS D..K, TURNS TO THE WOMEN AND SAYS THAT HURT, WOMEN TURNS TO HIM AND SAYS GIVE ME A COUPLE OF MINS.....SO OF SHE GOES TO THE BATH ROOM....FEW MINS LATER SHE COMES BACK AND LAYS ON THE BED....COME AND GET ME NOW BIG BOY SHE SAYS TO HIM, SO IT ALL HAPPENS AGAIN BUT THIS TIME AFTER SOMETIME THE BLOKE ROLLS OVER AND TURNS TO HER AND SAYS THAT WAS WORTH THE 20 YRS WAIT BUT TELL ME WHY DID IT HURT THE FIRST TIME....SHE REPLIES WELL LOVE I HAD TO GO TO THE BATHROOM AND PICK ALL THE SCABS OF SO THAT YOU COULD SLIDE IN MORE EASILY.
MAN IS WALKING AROUND SOHO JUST LOOKING FOR A GOOD S..G, HEARS THIS VOICE....FANCY A GOOD TIME LOVE...GOES UP TO WOMEN AND TELLS HER SHE WAS JUST WHAT HE WAS LOOKING FOR ...SO OFF THEY GO TO HER ROOM.....SOMETIME LATER HE GOES DOWN ON HER....SHE IS SCREAMING....OH BABY THATS GOOOOOD.... SUDDENLY HE STOPS AND PULLS SOME MEAT OUT OF HIS MOUTH THINKING NOTHING OF IT HE CARRIES ON...AGAIN HE STOPS BUT THIS TIME HE PULLS OUT SOME CARROT....HE LOOKS UP TO THE WOMEN AND BEFORE HE CAN SAY ANYTHING SHE SAYS.....I AM VERY SORRY DARLING WE HAVE BEEN SO BUSY AND I DIDNT HAVE TIME TO CLEAN MYSELF AFTER THE LAST BLOKE WAS SICK INSIDE ME.
Sexy has sent these:
Jordan and Peter Andre are having sex in the jungle and they hear a noise. Jordan says, is that Jonny Rotten? Peter answers, I f****ng hope not, its the only one I got!!!!!
Two queers, one dies, his partner asks for his body to be made into a curry...when asked why, he replied, I just want to feel him dribbling out of my a**e one more time!!!!
A man comes home very late and very drunk. Wife says, explain the lipstick on your shirt. He says, thats easy, I used my shirt to wipe it off my c**k!!!!
After having great sex, she lies there stroking his p***s. He asks, do you want more sex. No, she replies, I'm just admiring your c**k...I really miss mine!!!
Elephant says to the camel, "why are your boobs on your back? The camel says, " Thats a f***ing good one coming from someone with their d**k on their face.
Man in bed reading a book with his wife. His hand moves to tease her p***y. "You want sex?" she says, "no" he replies, "just wanna wet my finger to turn the page."
2 eggs boiling in a pan, one female one male, She turns to him and says "look i've got a crack", he replies, " no point telling me, i'm not f***ing hard yet"!!
(Answer no9 = Fine young cannibles)
"NEWSFLASH" - Police are looking for someone gorgeous, sexy, intelligent, funny and amazing in bed. You're safe, but where the f**k am i gonna hide?
WOMENS PRAYER - As you lay me down to mate, i hope you don't premiture e****late, but if you come before i do, i pray your tongue will see me through. AMEN
A family of 3 women were prostitutes. Mum charged £60 for a b**w j*b, daughter charged £80 for a b**w j*b, and granny was just glad of a warm drink.
Dustman knocks on japanese mans door. Where's your bin? I bin to toilet. No you misunderstand, where's your wheely bin? Ok, says the jap, i wheely bin aving a w**k.
Essex girl enters a sex shop and asks for a vibrator, the man says choose from our range from the wall. She says I'll take the red one, he says that's a f***ing fire extinguisher
Women stands nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband I look fat and ugly- pay me a compliment. Husband replies Your eyesights f***ing spot on.
Ever wondered why they use ABCDEF to define bra sizes? A-Absent, B- Barely visible, C- Comes in useful, D- Damn Good, E- Enormous, F-Fantastic, FF - F***ing Fake.
Why are hurricanes named after women? Because when they come, they are warm, wet and wild and when they go they take the house, the car and the whole f***ing lot.
Jack and Jill went up the hill, so Jack could lick her f***y, Jack went down, came up with a frown, coz Jills a f***ing tranny
The life of a pe*is : I've only got 1 eye, my hairs a mess, my relatives are nuts, my neighbours an ar**hole, my best friends are c**ts, and my owners a w***er.
There is hot sex, oral sex, fruit sex, safe sex, leather sex, phone sex, group sex, kinky sex, and for people with a face like yours, there's wa**ing
Did you hear about the mouse that took Viagra? Half an hour later, he was strutting around the kitchen, shouting where's the f***ing pussy now then!
Anymore?
KEEP THEM COMING!
